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長洲賓客

July 22nd, 2008

上一次到長洲已經是高中時的事了。當時一行十幾人擠在狹窄的渡假屋單位內玩了一整晚,玩得很瘋狂,整個單位像翻轉一次後再回復正常,令我對渡假屋留下一點陰影,總覺得每間房都曾經被人搞得不似人形。除了玩得瘋狂之外,我還記得第二天在天台上看見那魚肚白的天空慢慢變藍。這些時刻我都幾乎忘記了,想不到有機會再來一次。

大家先坐渡輪到長洲,到步後來個本年度沙灘下水禮降溫消暑,然後晚上在屋前空地前BBQ,吃飽後就回房玩些小玩意,講東講西,也未必全是不著邊際。不知過了多久,忽然有人提點一聲,一拉開窗簾,已經是陽光刺眼,澄空一片。眾人衝出屋外,迎接這個鱗光閃爍的日出,順便引個懶腰,打一個呵欠。

到了這個年紀,通頂變得好辛苦。在回程的船上,半睡半醒之際,我在想:「可以再來一次嗎?」我反覆想了幾次,恐怕沒有甚麼機會了。我的體力應付得了,只是我缺少了一種渴望與朋友相聚玩樂的熱情。通頂也需要熱情嗎?我想人不會無端端做某些事,尤其那並非一件輕鬆的事。通頂對體力實在是很大的挑戰,第二日又要花一整天去補眠,星期一回到公司工作時更是痛苦,沒有相當的熱情一定無法去完成。我當然亨受朋友相聚的時光,仍然很喜歡和朋友一起四處吃喝玩樂,吹水鋤pair,不過我感覺到這種熱情真是今非昔比。我有點納悶,也想不通究竟是甚麼一回事。我不喜歡這樣。

午後的陽光很熱,海風也是又熱又濕,全身都冒出一層汗。我開始不太聽到朋友們吵鬧的聲音,靜靜地睡著了。

青年危機

June 2nd, 2008

近一年來腦袋空空,轉貼算了。

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

* feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level
* frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
* confusion of identity
* insecurity regarding the near future
* insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
* insecurity regarding present accomplishments
* re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
* disappointment with one’s job
* nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
* tendency to hold stronger opinions
* boredom with social interactions
* loss of closeness to high school and college friends
* financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
* loneliness
* desire to have children
* a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

幸褔?

April 26th, 2008

怎樣為之幸福呢?從前我毫無概念--幸福,大概就是那些電視電影的sterotype畫面,男人在夕陽下抱起女兒旋轉720度曲體落地,四萬咁口......咪講笑啦。

英語中有句諺語「No News is good news」,這句話也隱含了所謂「平凡是福」的意思吧。我從前對這句話嗤之以鼻,覺得「你都老鬼土,阿伯先講呢D野」。不過,現在我明白這麼老土的一句話,同時也富含智慧。原來,平凡的日子是多麼的奢侈,而我竟然麻木地浪費掉,一點也不心痛。

我今年廿六歲了,但我對人生和這個世界仍沒有甚麼概念,視線仍然相當模糊。你說我找到幸福的真諦嗎?當然沒有。但我隱約感到某種東西在背後推動我,著我摸索「幸福」這個東西,摸索我的人生在追求甚麼。傳統上這叫做開竅,現代一點的說法是「有左個mindset」。人們說屬雞的人今年行運,我想,所謂行運並不是身邊發生了甚麼好事,有時可能身邊的壞事一籮籮,但因為這些事,我們開竅了,這才最關重要。


Happy Birthday to Us!

March 27th, 2008

Line & Charlie,多謝你地呢個咁正既生日會,玩得好開心!

點解呢番說話會倒返轉頭講呢?

2008 終點見,然後在終點之後

February 17th, 2008

一年一度渣打馬拉松的大日子又來了。如我上年所言,今年我繼續報名參加。

為甚麼要去跑馬拉松呢?不為甚麼,我們需要擁抱共同目標的感動。為了這種感動,我已經想報名跑下一年的馬拉松了。

但,這種感動去了那裏呢?在東區走廊的臨海天橋上,我見到喬寶寶為途人打氣,我見到狗和小孩在努力踏步,我見到公路旁的居民在玻璃窗上貼上「加油GoGoGo」的海報,我見到來自日本的視覺障害者在克服身體障礙。不過,我心裏想到的只是:「快點完成吧,要超越其他人。然後回家休息,明天又要上班。」簡直像是在交功課,完全沒有任何感覺,沒有被甚麼東西感動,雙腿根據指示機械化地擺動了十公里。完成以後我得到些甚麼嗎?只不過是一個時間和一張證書罷了,而那個時間根本不起眼,可說是全無意思。如果現在你問我下年會參加嗎?我會答很想參加。但為甚麼要參加呢?我真的不清楚。

雖然今年的時間比往年更佳,但我並不覺得興奮。這一年間,我的心態是否改變了很多?變得更加泠漠,更加不懂得去欣賞這個世界,更加不忠於自己的心?我真不希望「世故」就是這個意思。